Starting Over...

I feel like my experiences this past year have been little more than a desperate attempt to hang onto to who I was, who I have always been. And yet, little by little I felt it all slipping away, everything that I was so sure about before only made me confused and angry.

This past Sunday was the first time in as long as I can remember (at least the 4 years of college) that I intentionally didn't go to church.

I don't know if the 180 of my current lifestyle caused the degradation of my values or if somewhere along I just became too exhausted to keep up the fight. It was like I was begging for some kind of guidance, some kind of relief from my confusion and anger about my dad's strokes and what they did to my mom. My heart was broken and I needed something the quell the bitterness that consumed me. I was a virgin lost in a hook-up culture completely confused as to how to reconcile the two. I followed all the advice I was given by priests, parents. and friends to be happy and yet I was so sad.

It's interesting how quickly we become hypocrites. How fast and easily we can justify participating in something and believing things that we used to condemn.

Now, here I am just as lost as ever, about to move 1,000 miles away to pursue a job that I was sure was part of God's plan for me. Except, I am embarking on this journey with no faith left to give.

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't chosen to defer TFA for a year.